Did you see Monday’s World News story about Seniors moving to Austin? No, they were NOT talking about High School Seniors.
Describing the traffic in Houston, Austin and Dallas is beyond words. Hey, remember this…. Nine out of ten astronauts have hinted to Houston that they have a problem! Due to the oil industry’s influence on Texas government, these cities have little mass transit.
I know this because I visit my nephew. Now, I am onboard with keeping Austin weird, and all the other traditional Texas values of which they are proud, but their traffic is too weird for me!
I-35 near Riverside! Does anyone want to argue that is normal? People have actually given birth on I-183 while trying to go to a hospital! To triplets!!! One more thing... I-290.
Maybe Seniors should go north to Bell County, where the traffic is thinner and so is the hair. Real estate prices are a little lower. Get one of those nice doctors at the fancy hospital in Temple.
THE AUSTIN TEXAS CAR-O-METER!
1 wreck: Clearly, Austin has been evacuated. A hurricane is going to hit the coast.
2 wrecks: It is before 6 AM and the faithful are at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas.
3 wrecks: Before 6 AM when college is in session.
4 wrecks & an armadillo: Because there are somethings even chickens won't cross!
Cow is Dancing in the Middle of the Road: Is the cow named, Bevo? See "Signs of Football".
5 wrecks and construction on I-35: This is why George Bush was afraid for a child to be left behind.
6 wrecks: Oh, is the Texas Legislature back in town again???
7 wrecks & a helicopter: Here comes the Governor.
1 menacing Secret Service Agent with his hand on a gun threatening drivers on Colorado Street:
Either the Governor is running FROM the President, or the Governor is running FOR the President!!!
A few more pointers for non-Texans....
During the Bush candidacy, the Secret Service Agents threatened every driver on Colorado Street. Yes, Molly Ivins did have a name for them. No, I'm not going to repeat it here.
Back in the day, I went with a group of students dressed as ducks, to quack outside the Governor's Mansion. Everyone thought this was funny except the Secret Service agents!!! I don’t imagine Secret Service Agents are going to be any friendlier next time, seeing how the Governor’s Mansion was already hit with a Molotov cocktail in 2008.
Two Signs of Football to tell if there is a University of Texas football game:
1. Dancing cows with horns. Long horns.
2. Gestures that in other parts of the world are considered to be obscene.
If the University of Texas has lost, my alma mater is at the Cotton Bowl!