I have dreams where I am actually "there." It's like I am living another life. There is a "storyline",-- There is nothing fuzzy or unreal about it. I have conversations with people, walk in and out of buildings, Once I was in an old fashioned kitchen, standing at the door. There was a long dining table, with about 12 people sitting at the table, all looking at me, waiting for me to say something.

In some way you are concerned that you have changed.  Perhaps you have people in your life that have influenced your lifestyle.  At times you are afraid of your capacity - as - you yourself - do not know what you are capable of.  I think you must resolve some deep issues of 'self-acceptance' - trust - and - 'identity'.  Identity in the sense of feeling comfortable - and accepting - who you have chosen to live your life as.