What are the odds for still being married after 19 years of a difficult marriage raising 4 kids on peanuts (with free housing and utilities though), and hoping for a "breakthrough" to a more balanced, kind relationship? I'll add to the mix, 4 miscarriages which were hard emotionally and physically, and many missed signs that "something was not right" mental healthwise, and extensive nursing and staying at home for a decade...What are the odds, in America today, of such a scenario being possible, and at this point, likely to result in a bright future for most if not all 6 in the "intact" family?

Questions: Are you happy? Do you love your life? Are you fulfilling your own dreams? You've walked a long hard road with your family intact, but a family of broken individuals is no more intact than a family broken by separation or divorce. You really can't control your family memers, from your spouse to your children. You can only find your own path. Then, if the people you love are willing to change with you, they'll find their own paths as well. There is nothing as beautiful as finding your bliss and then looking over to see your partner and children walking beside you--not because anyone hung on to the group with a death grip, but because love is guiding you all in the same direction. Without your seeking personal integrity and happiness, the odds for your family--any family-won't look good. If you find your path, there's no set of circumstances so rocky your family can't survive teh trip intact.

Your reply takes some pressure off. I like questions to consider, and have been doing a lot of asking. Now I feel I am game to listen while letting some time go by after a very difficult year (and as I said two decades). I am feeling more confident about who I am through all this struggle. I try to appreciate the mountain I have climbed. Due to the low income and number of kids, I have found it most practical to stay the course to be a mother to my kids. I try to accept what I can not change but change the things I can for myself, my kids, and even my husband in terms of empowering him to get in touch with his feelings by"echoing back" his words and displays in a neutral, caring fashion. I feel this is a missing skill in our society, learning to "detach with love" from one's partner, to see what they are going thru. Also, basics of domestic abuse (really male violence against women) could be provided to all couples marrying or otherwise, so we are better informed of the dynamics and can gain skills to avoid or leave in necessary. Our country needs better support for all women and children in this area, which is something I have learned mainly from books and cases such as OJ and Laci Peterson. We need to wake up and help eachother to prevent violence in our homes, nurture young boys and men, and deal with conflict and communication more peacefully. Thanks...